Falling apart is how I feel today. Today is 10 years since I’ve seen his face, heard his laugh or him playing his guitar. I can recall every single moment of our last days together. What we ate, where we went, what we did and how it all ended.
Tomorrow marks 10 years that my handsome 17 year old son was taken from me at the hands of a drunk driver. I’ve been keeping busy lately, trying occupying my mind but today I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I can’t even wash the dishes without crying. People say that time heals all wounds but they’re wrong.
You see today hurts more than it did 10 years ago. You see 10 years ago, I kept telling myself he would come home. I kept waiting to see him, to hear him. I kept saying that it was a mistake and he would come through the door. I kept pleading with God to bring my son back to me. The hard truth is that’s never going to happen.
This is my reality. My son has two little sisters now and nephew (and they all would’ve loved him). As little as they are, they know that from time to time, I break down. No one around understands how or what brings on these strong emotions. A song, a young man dressed similar to my son, a memory.
In the middle of life happening all around me, I fear that I hurt people who honestly have no clue as to how or why I feel this way. Actually, I do a pretty good job of carrying on in my daily routine and no one knows what I may be feeling. Then all of sudden, like a wave, emotion hits and I can’t stop from crying and I can’t function. This has not been an easy ride for me and I can’t imagine what it’s like for those around me, watching me fall apart all of a sudden.
All of this is the result of someone else’s choice to drink and drive. Their choice has affected my entire life. From time to time I google the name of man who is responsible for this. It is overwhelming to me to find out he’s still alive, in prison but alive and still fighting for his rights. I found a public record of a new court case today. A case is which he is suing someone else to protect his rights while in prison. So the man who killed my 17 year old son and his 17 year old best friend, is alive and fighting to protect his quality of life. It just isn’t right and so I am a mess.
Some people might say, why is she putting all of this out there for the world to read. It’s certainly not going to help me through the next few days or Christmas, or the years to come….but maybe if one person can see this, read this, feel this hurt. Maybe, they will decide to make a different choice, call über or designate a driver. I’m not saying stop celebrating with your family and friends, I’m just asking for you to make a different choice when it comes to getting behind the wheel after drinking.
I don’t know, maybe I am wishing for too much. So much has been lost, I’ve tried hard to pick up all of the pieces of my life, to carry on in this new life, a refined life, a life with purpose. I know deep in my heart, despite of the way I feel today that I can not give up. I must hope and pray that through my ongoing actions, I can make a difference. If I can affect just one person to make a different choice, it’s worth laying it all out on table.